DEAR....

Instead of writing to Santa this year, I've decided to write to others who can give me simple, easy, and virtually FREE gifts for Christmas.

Dear Mystery Work Bathroom Whistler,

I appreciate a good tune just like anybody else; however, when I am going to the bathroom, I would rather not hear God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. Whether you're trying to mask other bathroom noises or just trying to stay in the Christmas Spirit I don't know, but your whistling kind of creeps me out. So as your Christmas Gift to me, would you please stop whistling in the bathroom.

Thank you!

Dear angry yelling children who love playing directly under my window,

Fact:Kids love to play outside. Fact:Kids love to scream and yell. I completely understand these facts, but do you have to be so angry?! Every afternoon after school gets out you all gather underneath my living room window; sometimes you have good times trading cards or riding bikes, and HOT DOG those are good days. However, on other days you yell and scream and shout at each other, calling each other names and then the crying begins. Not the happy I have a testimony or the I just got the best surprise of my life crying, but the ear drum piercing, want to strangle a banshee, "I'm telling" crying. So please, in the Spirit of Christmas, can you please stop the yelling?!

Thanks!

Dear Newlywedded BYU Family Ward Couples who make out during the Prayers,

You know, I love new love. It's so exciting and endearing to watch. And I should probably mention that, yes,...I open my eyes during the prayers sometimes, mostly to see which child is screaming...I try to guess and then see if I'm right. (I know, I know, completely inappropriate during a prayer); however, when I look up and see the wife whose head used to just be leaning on her husband's shoulder now ferociously making out during the opening, closing, or even the GASP! sacrament prayer a little piece of my soul dies. COME ON! IT'S A PRAYER! YOU'RE IN CHURCH! GOD IS WATCHING YOU! So can you please, for my Christmas present, for my soul, for your own salvation, PLEASE stop making out during church prayers.

THANKS!

50 More Things about Me...

So last year I wrote a list of 100 things about me. This year 100 seemed a little daunting so here's a list of 50. It's quite the challenge so anybody who's up for it should try and create their own list of things people might not know about them. The lists are pretty hilarious, and its a good way to document information for future generations.

50. I like it when people scratch my head...or play with my hair in general. Greg says I'm like a dog.
49. I read the news (CNN, MSNBC, FOXNEWS) about 50 times a day...hoping for something new...or just to try and read all the articles...
48. My pinky fingers are incredibly small...they come to just above the first joint on my ring fingers...they look a little sickly in comparison.
47. I always have to pull my hair up before I can sleep. I hate the feeling of random hairs brushing against my forehead.
46. I have to sleep with a fan on...always...no matter the temperature outside...
45. I once slept an entire winter with my window partly open...because I didn't know how to close it...in my defense the window was broken...oh and I still had the fan on when I slept. I had a hairdryer under the covers that I would turn on when I was cold.
44. My bedroom clock is perpetually fast...and not just a little fast...Greg and I like it at least 30 minutes fast...because you know, its fun to do math calculations when its 3 in the morning...I mean 2:30.
43. I can pop every single joint in my hand...well I'm not sure how many joints are actually in your hand...but I pop A LOT.
42. I can wink each eye individually.
41. I can curl my tongue...though I can't do any other lofty tricks like that cool wave looking thing.
40. I once took a class where I got to be a terrorist....purely fictional of course.
39. I graduated college by taking a intermediate Spanish class...the only reason I got a B+ is because my wonderful husband spent hours teaching me the language...and I don't remember any of it.
38. My car's check engine light comes during any change in weather.
37. I get gas in $10 increments because the price keeps going down.
36. I try and spend 4 hours a week volunteering for my church.
35. I teach 5 seven year olds every Sunday in church...this involves many games with the bribes of treats if they behave.
34. My favorite movie is Remember the Titans.
33. My favorite animated movie is Mulan.
32. I rely on my husband for any math equation solutions, except at 3 in the morning when I'm trying to figure out what time it really is.
31. Greg says that when I sleep my temperature goes up to 110 degrees.
30. I have been on the 2nd place National Mock Trial Champions Team.
29. I have competed in 2 State Swimming Meets.
28. My current favorite "sport" is bocce ball.
27. I have competed on the BYU Model United Nations Team and placed in the top Ten teams in the Nation. (National MUN competitions don't actually have place teams in order of 1,2,3..they just say you were in the top ten...kind of like kid's soccer where everybody gets a trophy.)
26. I spent a summer in California as a nanny.
25. I've been to a taping of "Whose Line is It Anyways?"
24. I've only gone skiing once and it was a horrible experience involving black diamonds...falling...and the vow of never returning.
23. Its a fact...I'm clumsy.
22. I enjoy any trivial pursuit game and often have Greg just read me cards so I can guess the answers.
21. I spent 4 whole months all by myself in Utah while Greg was away in Minnesota interning for Ernst and Young.
20. I love orange flavored popcycles....my sister-in-law just gave me a whole stack of them because I'm the only one she knows that likes the orange ones.
19. My favorite show on television are Law and Order reruns...which is good because they're pretty much on at least one channel 24 hours a day.
18. My microwave clock seems to perpetually slow down so every two weeks we set it 5 minutes ahead and two weeks later its 5 minutes behind...its a vicious cycle.
17. I'm moving to Minnesota at the end of April and finally getting out of Utah after 10 years.
16. I only get my hair cut once a year.
15. I have seen the back stages of Disney World...having gotten to practice on them before performing when I was in Show Choir in High School.
14. I enjoy yoga...however the funny names for the poses don't help my meditation practices.
13. Remember how last time I said I hate running...ironically thats how I first started getting to know Greg....now I love Greg...and still hate running.
12. I go to Ice hockey games just to see the fights...I can't actually keep up with the puck...but two or more mullet headed men pounding each other is what I call good entertainment.
11. I've recently become addicted to dum dum suckers...they're quite enjoyable and come in a variety of flavors and colors.
10. I've become a fanatical budgeter...this is mostly due to my obsessive accountant husband, but I find it fiercely satisfying to be "under budget" at the end of each month.
09. I once bumped my brother while we were jumping on the bed and he ended up with a huge gash in his head...we told my mom he fell.
08. I once went to roll my sister over on her side..because she was snoring...and she rolled completely off the bed...she woke and I told her she'd rolled off all by herself.
07. We used to tell Katelyn she was a boy named Thompson...she hates that name to this day.
06. My dad used to flick me in the head when I was little and began pulling the knobs off the radio...however, instead of actually stopping the naughty act...I learned to put my hand over my head before I pulled the knobs off.
05. My first word/words were "Whatsat"...my mom would say this to me every evening when my dad would be walking up the path to the door...so I began repeating it excitedly one day.
04. I once tried to do a high kick in a long nightgown, this ended with me landing hard on my bum...and being entirely embarrassed for having forgotten my nightgown had absolutely no "give."
03. I've woken up laughing.
02. I love making and eating homemade chocolate frosting.
01. I was born with under-developed lungs...however thanks to the prayers of many family members during those first few day...I have ginormous lungs and a huge rib cage...this helped dramatically during swimming but makes for an awkward time for shirts.

Back in the Days of BYU Landlords

Now let the story begin.....oh and I hope you don't expect this to be some life changing event cause....well we all know I don't write those kind of stories....

I used to have a landlord whom we shall call Larry...partly because that's his name and partly because it rhymes with scary....now over the two years which I lived in the house there were many rumors circulating about Scary Larry (SL). Let me first describe him...

Larry stood about 5'5 and weighed approximately 85 lbs. He had a high pitched voice and claimed to be a Mr. Fix-it....which of course was not true. Think Mr. Roper from Three's Company.

Many of the rumors began when Larry started bringing his "representative" with him on surprise inspections for the house. Now his representative's name was Harold....and he was a Bounty hunter.....no I am not kidding...thats actually what he told us. I'm not sure if it was supposed to scare us or what but the first time my roommate heard this audacious lie she burst out laughing....he didn't appreciate that and told her so. She apologized and explained that she didn't know there was a big need for bounty hunters in Utah. He explained that he wasn't really a bounty hunter but a repo guy, and then he showed her his gun. (none of this is made up) She looked at him, looked at the gun, and then looked at Larry who was beaming. Thus the rumor that Larry was gay began.

Now over those years many things fell off, broke, or became stopped up in that house and each time we would try to fix it ourselves before calling SL because we really didn't want him in our house. But on the occasions when we couldn't remedy the problem we would call and politely ask for him to come and "take a look." Here are a few of his "quick fixes" or excuses for not being able to fix the problem.....

1. The shower head in the upstairs bathroom broke and literally would fall on our heads when we showered...not pleasant at 7 am...or ever really. We MacGyvered it with a bobby pin and a bic razor for about 6 months before he came to "fix it"...he ducktaped it to the shower wall.

2. The downstairs shower's drain became clogged. We used Draino and a coathanger and all sorts of other techniques to pull out years of hair and general grossness before calling him to let him know that the shower wouldn't drain. He came over called a plumber (which was nice of him) and the plumber informed him that his pipes needed to be replaced...I was standing there when the plumber told Larry this....so Larry told us that we would have to wash our hair upstairs and wear a shower cap in the shower downstairs so no more hair would cause stoppage. Yes...thats what he told us.

3. He put a deadbolt on the back door...because one of my roommates didn't feel safe without one...this is dumb for two reasons....1. The back door is mostly a big window and 2. Larry put the deadbolt on backwards....and no I am not kidding....we had to get a guy to come and put the deadbolt on correctly and then Larry tried to charge us for the labor.

4. My window did not have a screen on it so the summer months became almost unbearable because we didn't have an air conditioner. I called him and asked him if I could get a screen. At 6:30am on a Sat. morning Larry came and stapled chicken wire to my window. It was not stapled in any type of order and there were gapping holes in the "screen."

So when we decided to finally move out a couple of my roommates decided to go ahead and take their deposits out of their last month's rent knowing that they would never see the money again otherwise. Two days later I get a call on my cell phone informing me that I need to call Larry immediately. IMMEDIATELY!!!

So I called him back...not knowing what could be so important. Larry then begins to describe what a "nice workable landlord" he has been to us and that we have literally destroyed his trust in us. I ask him what the heck he's talking about. He said that when he came for cleaning inspections nobody was home and we had blown him off. I asked him what time he had come for cleaning inspections and he said he was there at 10:30 pm just like he had told us he'd be. I told him that we had all made appointments with him at 6:30pm and when he hadn't shown we had all gone about our business. He apologized then and told me that he thought he had called to reschedule but must have forgotten (enter great rolling of eyes) He then asked me how he could get ahold of Rachel and Melanie two of my friends/roommates. I told him I didn't know...because Mel was in China and Rachel didn't have a cell phone. He then told me that his "representative" had told him that they had taken their deposits out of their last months rent and this was against the Honor Code and he would be pressing criminal charges against them if they didn't immediately pay the remainder of the money to him. I told him that it wasn't my responsibility to tell them any such thing and that he would have to inform them of that himself. He said he understood and then hung up.

Following that conversation, I went into the living room and told Rachel what had just happened. (yeah she was sitting there the whole time :) And Rachel just started laughing. It seemed Larry had known that she and Mel had taken their deposits out of their last month's rent already and in front of Rachel's parents had told her that that made his job a lot easier and that was fine.

So Rachel decided to take her chances with the law and Melanie being in China said "Let Larry try and find me." And we haven't heard from the Scary Larry since.

The End

My Bedroom Smells Like Meatloaf

Tonight started out quite normally. Greg and I planned on going out for dinner, catching a movie and then getting some ice cream. Our fun night out also involved two of our best friends the Mathiases...Mathaii...Mathesons...whatever...

We went to Betos, an "authentic" Mexican dive that creates head sized burritos which are quite yummy and filling...and don't have any harmful after effects the next morning after (BONUS!).

Then we were off to Get Smart...and if you haven't seen it I highly recommend it. Slap stick Comedy, Steve Carrell, the Rock, and that guy from Heroes.Funny funny funny!!

Following the movie, we decided to leave our friends and go home...because Greg is in denial that he has pink eye and would rather believe his hurting eye is just pink and swollen because that's what happens on the first Friday of the Fall season.

However, I would not be thwarted from my ice cream experience so we stopped by Smiths and picked up a couple of half gallons because 10 for $10 is a deal even Greg can't pass up!

And then it was home again! As we were walking up the stairs to our apartment Greg stopped multiple times to ask me..

"What's that smell?"

I would reply "It smells like meatloaf and ketchup to me."

However this answer must not have satisfied him because...as previously mentioned...he asked it multiple times....

When we got in the house I quickly changed into my very comfortable PJs and whipped us up some good ole fashioned chocolate malts. As I handed Greg his scrumptious treat he looked at me...and once again asked...

"What is that smell"

to which I replied

"Still smells like meatloaf to me"

I tried hard to ignore the unpleasant aroma for quite some time but after 20 minutes I just couldn't stand it any more and finally asked Greg to shut our living room window.

Now I don't know if some happy family decided long ago that Friday's were meatloaf extravaganza night or if some poor newlywed finally figured out what was smelling up her fridge and tossed out last month's experiment, but let me tell you...it STUNK!

Around 11:00pm Greg and I decided it was time for bed...maybe because the smell had dulled the rest of our senses...so we trotted off to the bedroom.

It was then that I realized my worst fear had in fact come to fruition...or meation...as it may be.

My bedroom smelled like meatloaf...smells like meatloaf...reaks of ground beef, onions, and ketchup.

I opened up the window in the futile belief that this would somehow solve my olfactory problems....however I was sadly mistaken.

The smell continued to waft up to our humble abode...penetrating our walls...oozing into our bedding...and infiltrating my very soul.

Now I'm a veritable prisoner...surrounded by an ungodly stench of processed compacted and baked cow....smothered in crushed tomatoes,vinegar, and sugar.

I wonder what dreams may come to those whose very senses have been captured by such a profane odor.

Introducing Limerick Thursday!

Odd Limerick

There once was a girl from Nantucket,
Who put all her corn in a bucket;
Then everyday,
In the same way,
She'd sit in a corner and shuck it.

Biblical Limerick

Able had a big brother named Cain,
Who was brawny and buff and quite vain;
God liked Able much more,
Which made Cain very sore,
So to him Able had to be slain.

Hallmark Limerick

The sun seemed so shiny today,
Your smile must keep all clouds away;
We went on a date,
I thought it was great,
But I don't have cash, can you pay?

Creepy Limerick

There once was this creepy old man,
Who lived in a light blue sedan;
He gave us all toys,
Said he liked little boys,
And hey have you seen my friend Dan?

Ok those are my limericks for today! Challenge: write your own crazy limerick and post it in the fan mail section! Let's make it a contest! Whoever wins gets the all powerful right to say they are the winner!!! (which isn't that the best prize of all)

Crisis Averted!

Just to bring everybody up to date....my teeth are now fixed. And by fixed I mean numb by the powerful gum ambrosia Anbesol. LOVE IT! My wisdom teeth have decided to abort their birth and are now retreating back to their premortal existence. PERFECT! So I guess the dentists were right...in a way. They won't actually come up and stay up...they will just come up and go back down like some demonic jack in the box.

Now a Story...

Some of you may have heard this one before, but for those of you who haven't you're in for a treat. Here's a collage for a visual preview!

The Day I Met David Hasselhoff

I wasn't exactly a high up executive at NuSkin, but I happened to know a thing or two about their latest and most expensive product...and that was the Biophotonic Scanner. So when David Hasselhoff was flown in Jan. of 2005, I was asked to come up to the executive offices and scan his hand, explain his score and explicate how the scanner works. For those of you who don't know who David Hassellhoff is think Mitch Buchanan from Baywatch or Michael from Night Rider (you know the old school show with the talking car...it was wicked cool back in the day).Or for those of you more cultured folk think Broadway.....he's been in Jekyl and Hyde and Paint Your Wagon. Now I have never been a huge fan of Mr. Hasselhoff and this experience didn't exactly add to my previous opinion of him.

At 5pm on a Friday I was escorted upstairs to the Executive offices and ushered into the Executive Conference Room to set up the scanner for good ole David. His plane was supposed to land at 4pm Utah time so they figured he'd be in around 5:30 or so because of the traffic and the bad snowy/icy weather. Well, they were wrong. First of all his plane didn't land until 5:00 and then it took 2 hours to get from the SLC airport to NuSkin headquarters in Provo (usually about a 45 minute drive).

So you're probably wondering what I did for two hours.....well let me tell you. I hung out with the Distributors that had flown Mr. Hassellhoff in...apparently one of them was a friend of the Night Rider. These guys make 2 million dollars a month. (And no I'm not kidding or exaggerating) At one point they were talking about movies and one of them said (and I quote) "Yeah I have to get a better way to organize my DVD's. Right now I just put them in the player, but we reached the 400 limit over Christmas. " (ummmm...yeah he had a theater IN his home and had over 400 DVD's directly in his DVD player....oh the opulence.) I just kind of looked at them and smiled.

Finally Mr. Hasselhoff arrived but he had consumed approximately 8 cups of coffee in his limo so he was WIRED. He came busting through the doors and belted.

"Well Hello. I'm David Hasselhoff."

Now let me describe to you what he was wearing. Black. Black jeans, black t-shirt, black leather jacket, black cowboy boots, black sunglasses (even though it had been dark for 3 hours). And he is a huge guy. He's about 6'4 or 6'5, pretty built, and VERY tan. The guy glowed.

He then proceeded to talk about himself for the next hour....I swear he didn't breathe. I found out that in 1988 he went to Germany to release his single "Looking for Freedom" and it sold 17,000 copies in its first week and was #1 on the charts for 8 weeks straight (he also claims that it helped in the US/German realtionship and the Berlin Wall fell as a direct result of the album....and I'm not kidding....and here you thought it had something to do with Bush and Gorbachev...silly people.), and seeing how he repeated this whole phrase no less than 32 times he started to remind me of a broken record.

I also was informed that he has the best stomach for a man over the age of 50 as voted on by the people of USA Today....apparently he has abs of steel...or so he said. So upon being told such my eyes must have wandered to his stomach section or something because he looked at me and said, "Well I don't have any abs right now because I've been on Broadway and I've had to start eating carbs and sugars to maintain my weight.." (Yeah right Mitch go back to Baywatch).

And every so often during his narcissistic monologue he would break out into song....and no, once again I am not kidding. He would sing a verse or the chorus of whatever song he was currently congratulating himself on and then go on with his magniloquent soliloquy and after a harrowing hour of this discourse he finally looked at me and bellowed, "So what is this scanner....tell me about it....how does it work...why is the laser blue....will it burn...?" (he accosted me with a series of questions neither waiting for the answer nor particularly caring if there was one because after his cross examination he merely turned to his friend Wade who was sitting next to him and said "I really like this NuSkin place.")

I scanned his hand, explained his score and then he got up and said "I need to go to the restroom is there one around here....and I'm hungry, you guys want to go out to dinner?" Apparently those 8 cups of coffee finally hit him, so while he went to relieve himself, I packed up the scanner and left.

The nice executives and distributors thanked me for staying late and as I was walking toward the elevators with the scanner Mr. Hasselhoff came out of the bathroom and said, "Hey you were great. Would you like an autographed picture I have some glossies in the car....Whats your name....Wade write down her name so I can leave a glossy with Scott for her to pick up on Monday. Thanks again." and then he walked away. I told Wade my name and then got on the elevator...it was pretty much the weirdest experience I have ever had.

But hey....maybe some German will buy the picture on Ebay and I can make some money out of the deal.

To see an AMAZING video of the actual Berlin Wall Crashing Song "Looking for Freedom" click here.

I'm teething....

This might sound weird to those of you who know me....I mean I am twenty-eight years old...don't most people stop teething when they're like...3. Well I've always been a late bloomer in the teeth department.

You see its my wisdom teeth...they're coming in. For years and years dentists have been telling me that my wisdom teeth...since they hadn't come up yet...were probably never going to come up. Most gave a definite response of ...NO. However, they were all wrong.

At the moment it is 1:53 am....and I can count my heartbeat in my gums....this is not normal. My right eye might just burst forth from its eye socket at any moment...so stayed tuned for that. But other than that I'm fine.

I've decided that when my kids start teething I am going to have a greater appreciation for the event...appreciation and coma inducing drugs... cause nobody should have to actually live through this.

Well, Lindsey...what have you done to try and remedy this pain??? (I hear you asking this)

Currently the IB Profen count is at 10 (those being taken within the last two hours). I'm not sure that's healthy...and it sure isn't working.

I have also put heating pads on my sore inflamed parts...and when that didn't work have been sucking on ice. If I had a teething ring I would definitely be using it. (Also something to note...3 is the current count of ice cubes that I have swallowed WAY too soon...causing choking and then throat freeze)

I have also tried Nyquil...why Nyquil you ask....well it has pain reliever in the description as well as strong sleeping medications. However...apparently neither of these so-called active ingredients are currently working...so my next course of action will be writing the makers of Nyquil a scathing letter.


And thats about it. My mouth hurts. The end.

30 Questions!!

1. How do you feel about Country Music? I come from the great land of Tennessee...where country literally is the King (and home to Elvis...who isn't necessarily country...) so I feel it appropriate to like it.
   
2. How many curlers do you wear in your hair at night? Um...I try to avoid curlers in my hair at night...they hurt...and can cause bodily injuries to spouses...but if I were to guess I would have to say 36...my hair is deceptively thick.
   
3. What is the last book you read or are reading? Currently reading Artemis Fowl:The Eternity Code
4. What 3 movies would you take to a Desert Island (this is of course assuming that you could watch them there)? The Bourne Series, The Harry Potter Series, and Tommy Boy I do realize that all of those movies would equal more than 3...but seriously if you have one of the above movies...you HAVE to have to rest
   
5. What 3 TV shows on disc would you take to a Desert Island? Gilmore Girls series (love the witty conversations), The Office series (hilarity ensues), The Law and Order Series (must keep up to date on my legal jargon)
   
6. Does this quiz stink? Your mom stinks (ah burn)
7. Name your 3 Favorite Fruits: Strawberries!!!, Fresh blueberries, raspberries and cherries!! I know thats four but I couldn't just pick 3.
8. What is in the Back Seat of your car right now? Gym clothes, a basketball, and my nursery folder
   
9. When was the last time you threw up? 2005 (stupid birth control!!)
   
10. What is your favorite curse word? I'm a big fan of the word H E double hockey sticks, as well as BAS&$^%....though I don't use them much...sometimes they express thoughts in ways nothing else can.
    
11. Name one thing you are really good at: winking seductively...just kidding, making up recipes!
12. Name one thing you are really bad at: ice skating...seriously...I'm like a hippo on a cloud...totally out of place
13. What 3 books would you take to a desert island? The Jane Austen series, Harry Potter series, scriptures
    
14. Name your 3 favorite drinks: Dr. Pepper, Strawberry Lemonade, milk (it does a body good!)
15. When you were a kid, how did you get your candy fix? uh I'm not that big on candy...no really...I still have Christmas candy on my dresser...
    
16. Name your 3 Favorite Vegetables: Tomatoes (vegetable or fruit...you decide), Corn on the cob (lots of butter and salt and pepper), mashed potatoes (YUM)
    
17. Which Bear is Best? uh...bwuh...I'll go with Balou from the Jungle Book....large, humorous, and sings...a better combination cannot be found in a bear!
18. What is your favorite Ice Cream Flavor? I LOVE ice cream...all kinds..all flavors...seriously...ice cream is my WEAKNESS
    
19. What was the last thing you ate? uh...rice-a-roni from last night...I don't eat sometimes...
    
20. What is the last sporting event you watched? NBA finals game Lakers beat the Celtics by 6
    
21. What are you doing tomorrow? working...and then having a Chinese fun festival!!
    
22. Are you free on Saturday night? Nope, I'll be working at the temple.
    
23. How much liquid can your belly button hold? My belly button cannot hold any water...it doesn't have hands.
    
24. What is your first thought when you hear "Australia"? My Dad's mission
    
25. How many states have you been to? Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, Kentucky, West Virginia, Colorado, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, New York, California, Washington, Idaho, Texas, Minnesota, Illinois, Iowa, Indiana, Alabama, Wyoming, Michigan,New Mexico...so 24...I think
    
26. What is the biggest annoyance in your life right now (besides this quiz)? Being told I need to go to the gym...thanks for that...I really like to hear about how fat I am everyday...thanks....
27. How did you get one of your scars? falling UP the stairs when I was three...split my chin right open
    
28. What interesting fact did you learn from an encyclopedia? Ants do not like cucumbers...something in the acid they produce...weird huh.
29. Do you really want to answer 2 more questions? um ok...
    
30. Didn't think so!

Alrighty, if you have never been tagged by me before, consider today your day. Copy this quiz to your own blog, and fill in your own answers (pictures are optional, but make reading more fun!!)

And now a Special Hallmark Presentation....


Just Kidding.

Her name was Polly. I think. She was about 5'9 and 190 lbs with short brown hair and a VERY LOUD voice. I met her a couple of years ago at a Singles Ward FHE (note: Singles' Wards hold FHE in a futile attempt to recreate the family unit for those without family members in the vicinity...it is also an excuse for Bishops to toy with their members and try to pair young singles off in an effort to obey the commandment of replenishing the earth...I'm also pretty sure that the Bishops in Utah hold a contest to see whom can have the most weddings of ward members in a Semester...I think they win a mini van or something)

Anyway, I first noticed Polly standing off in the corner of the Bishop's home (where we were holding FHE) talking to Tricia (another girl in our ward). Not knowing who she was I asked Alicia my roommate and a counselor in the RSP if she knew who the new chick was. Alicia gives me this pained look and said,
"Yeah. Her name's Polly..I gave her a ride to FHE tonight."
"Oh so she lives with Tricia and those girls huh?"
"No she's just staying there for a week until she moves back to California for the summer."
"OOOOOH. So she's just a squatter...she's not actually in the ward."
"No."

After having established that I didn't have to actually talk to her (cause she was loud and I didn't want to have to get involved and make an emotional commitment to a loud close talker) I went about my business and talked to the Bishop about sending flowers to a girl in our ward whose father had passed away a couple of days ago.

After an hour of useless small talk Alicia and I decided we were bored and had had enough of pointless conversation so it was time to go home. She looked at me and said,
"Let me go get those girls and see if they still want to ride home with me."
They did. I figured this wouldn't be all that bad because most people realize that in compact environments the level and pitch of your voice can be lowered dramatically and people will still be able to hear you completely.
Polly had apparently never been informed of this modern monday miracle and so her volume of conversation did not lower one bit.
So while driving home in Alicia's Neon I politely asked Polly when she was getting married...she was practically wearing a skating rink on her finger...and she informed me that it was fake and she didn't want to talk to any boys that night so it had been an attempt to thwart any singles advances. A futile attempt she informed us because Caleb had still talked to her.

Now I must interject on Caleb's behalf. Caleb just moved into the ward....he's new..from Idaho...and has a cute little girlfriend. Earlier that evening both Alicia and I had commented (ok thats a nice way of saying mocked) on the fact that Polly was openly flirting with a guy who was already taken and obviously not really interested in what she was saying to him...that or he had lost all hearing and was merely nodding, eyes blank and lifeless out of shere politeness.

So while she yelled on and on about how much Caleb must like her, Alicia and I muttered things in spanish about how crazy she was....because they didn't understand spanish and I now know enough to mock and deride.


At the end of her sound barrier breaking monologue she did admit to having a boyfriend but he lived in California and that was the reason she was going there for the summer. Alicia then interjected and said,
"I thought you told me you didn't have a boyfriend."
Polly laughed and screamed,
"I also told you that I was an illegal immigrant from Mexico"

Alicia and I just kind of looked at each other figuring this girl was more than likely a pathalogical liar.

We pulled up to a stoplight at which point this Polly chick began catcalling at the guy in the car next to us...a wise choice on her part because as we all know 16 year old Pizza delivery boys are in high demand. I shrunk down in my seat and Alicia seethed in the seat next to me.

We then mocked her for flirting with a deacon. And told her that her Cali boyfriend would be jealous.

As we were finally pulling up to Polly and Tricia's house....Polly looked over at Alicia and asked if she was doing anything on Friday...Alicia just looked at her and said "Friday night?" and Polly said "No more like 7 am Friday morning...I need a ride to the airport." I'm pretty sure Alicia's eyebrows flew off her head and are now in Nebraska. She told Polly that she was sorry but she couldn't give her a ride because she had to be at work every morning at 8 am. Polly screeched "Thats too bad...cause you're like the only person I know with a car"
Alicia said, "Yeah....sorry."

Which she wasn't.

And that was the end of Polly.

Note: I could have inserted many "Polly wanna a cracker" comments but controlled myself believing that this would have been mildly funny but also highly corny.

Another Story from my Single Days:

Weird people seem to be drawn to me as moths to a flame, so I probably shouldn't have been surprised by Peter Olsen. (Note: in my experience the name Peter seems to carry with it a tendancy towards the weird and obtrusive) You see a couple of years ago I decided that I didn't need a social life anymore so I got a second job and began working strenuous 16 hour days. I would work from 8 until 4 at NuSkin and then go to my next job as a telemarketer (which in and of itself caused inner turmoil due to the fact that I hate telemarketers and therefore found myself hating myself) at MyFamily.com from 4:30 until 12:30. Anyway, it was during the first week of working there....though I only worked there for 15 days...that Peter sat down next to me one evening. I was busy trying to talk an uninterested elderly person into buying a subscription to Ancestry.com when Peter announced, "Its so hard to communicate with others when you have an IQ of 135." I should probably describe this Peter Olsen guy for you...he was about 6 feet tall, probably 180 lbs., 18-20 years old and looked like a very unattractive Harry Potter with an acne problem. At the time that he made this announcement the elderly woman that I was talking to hung up on me (I blame only myself)....so I turned to him and said, "You should try having an IQ of 170." I thought this was funny....he didn't...instead he responded by saying and I quote, "Oh so you have a high IQ too...do find yourself having to lower your verbal diatribe in the hopeful efforts of having people understand you?" I looked at him and said, "Ummmm no. But I don't usually open a conversation by openly flaunting a debatable measure of my intelligence while insulting the other party." (Yes I actually said that...college taught me how to use big words and everything) And then I turned around hoping to dam the gates of this useless conversation. He then felt it necessary to tap me on the shoulder and introduce himself, "My name's Peter. Do you like Charmed?" (For those of an older generation Charmed is a show on the WB involving scantily clad women witches fighting the bitter fight against demons and evil) I turned back around and said, "I don't have a lot of time for TV" He felt this denoted an interest on my part in actually participating in a conversation because he continued, "Oh well look what I just got on Ebay...an autographed picture of Alyssa Milano for only 80 dollars."
"Thats nice," I said.
"I'm going to hang it up in my room along with my other pictures of her and the rest of the Charmed cast."
"Thats nice."
"Do you like Animae?"
"No"
"Well I just got a great deal on a whole bunch of trading cards."
"Thats nice."
"I plan on selling them in about ten years because they're going to be worth thousands."
"Thats nice."
"My parents think its a waste of my money to buy all these pictures and cards but I like to look at them so I don't really care what they think...they were going to kick me out of the house."
"Thats nice."
"Yeah me and my parents don't get along very good (sic...he actually it just like this)."
"Thats sad."
"You know what I don't understand about girls?"
"Everything?"
"No I get some things...but what I don't get is why all the attractive girls go out with the stupid jocks who can't carry on a decent conversation or compute simple mathmatical equations."
"Girls don't like to talk and they don't like math." I said this in a way I would have thought a deaf man would have heard the sarcasm...but no.
"Girls do to like to talk."
"I was kidding...but frankly and I can't speak for the whole feminine gender but I like guys who are reasonably intelligent and can add and subtract."
"Then how come all the girls I ask out say no? Did you know I had to ask out six girls before I got one to go with me to Prom?"
"Ummm no I didn't know that. "
"Well I did."
"Did you ask nicely?"
"Yes."
"Did you ask them in front of a whole bunch of other girls?"
"No."
"Had you ever talked to these girls before?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever killed anybody?"
Once again I was joking...but he didn't think it was very funny. I knew this because he stood up and started yelling at me,
"THEY ACCUSED ME OF TRYING TO KILL SOMEBODY BUT I DIDN'T!!! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST ME! I THOUGHT SHE LIKED ME!! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"
I just kinda sat there and looked at him...irate screaming people don't really have a huge effect on me anymore because I got yelled at a lot at my old job...but all around me guys were starting to stand up and come towards us thinking they were going to save me from this obvious loon.
"Ok you really need to calm down there sparky, I was kidding."
He sat down and just kinda looked around and said, "Sorry I just don't like people accusing me of things."
"Number one I wasn't accusing you and number two I don't talk to people who yell at me." And then I turned around; the guys who had been coming to save me looked at me with eyebrows raised wondering if everything was alright so I just waved and smiled and they sat back down in their little cubicle. About ten minutes later Peter Olsen turned around again and tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"So you wanna go out sometime?"


This story was completely true...none of it was made up...I turned him down politely and never sat next to him again.

A True Story from my Single Days:

I have found that in the wee hours of the morning in those fitful minutes before sleep my mind begins to wander, perplexing matters become astonishingly clear, and random yet useless thoughts come to complete fruition. For instance a couple of years ago late at night at about 2:03 am I realized that "evil" spelled backwards is "live" and furthermore, "devil" spelled backwards is "lived." What this means I do not know but it is true nonetheless.

And it was during this time a couple of years ago that I came to the unmistakeable conclusion that my old boss at work, Dan, is a little slow. I will explain that in just a minute...but first I have to explain this....

As satirists my friends and I often see the humor in the littlest of human vices. For instance there's this club on campus aptly named the Quill and the Sword Club...they brandish swords and capes and run around attacking one another with unseen spells and powers they apparently have cards for...much like a concealed weapons license I'm sure...I once saw them attack a perfectly innocent bail of hay for no reason...why they did this I do not know...they're monsters I tell you...monsters...

Anyway, while attacking the aforementioned bail of hay they kept yelling HAZAA!!! This I found was extremely amusing and began using the word sarcastically whenever someone would remark on something that was supposed to be exciting but in reality wasn't....
For instance:
"Lindsey I get to babysit the Bailey kids tonight"
"Hazaa!'
"Guess what! Night Rider is now on DVD!"
"Hazaa!!"
"There's a new episode of Star Trek Voyager on Tonight!"
"Hazaa!!!"

I think you get the idea. And this word soon became a daily conversation constant among my friends and me.

Anyway so one day at work Dan...the boss man...looked up from his desk and said, "Hey guess what you get to fix 25 scanners tomorrow"
Without thinking I said, "Hazaa!"
He looked greatly confused for a minute then relinquished to admitting his small vernacular did not include that word and asked what it meant. In an effort to explain what the word meant and the underlying sarcastic tone included I explained that in the days of yore upon attacking moat surrounded castles the knights would yell the word Hazaa in an effort to lift the spirits of the dreary and mutilated soliders...and now my friends and I yelled it in sarcasm. He laughed still confused and said "That's cool I'll have to start using that word.

Let me now describe Dan, he's a thirtysomething rock star wannabe, he's in numerous bands and "plays gigs" on the weekends for fun. With bleached hair and standing at 6'4 he certainly stands out in a crowd.

Anyway the next day at work I finished fixing all those scanners and was putting the last scanner on the rack to be QA inspected (that stands for quality assured in case you didn't know) when Dan looks over at me and with a big smile yells...yes yelled...."Pazaa"
I look at him for a second stifling the overwhelming urge to laugh and said "I'm sorry?"
"Pazaa!" he yelled again, "You're done!"
I looked at him and said, "No No No. It's Hazaa"
"Oh!" he said still smiling, "Kazaa"
"What?" I said unbelieving that he had just yelled the name of a favorite downloading website instead of Hazaa.
"Kazaa!" he yelled again smile now gone and replaced with a look of confusion..."Thats right isn't it."
"No...thats where you can download music and books for a small fee on the internet. HAZAA....HHHHHH.....HHHHHH" I figured since the "H" sound is a voiceless glottal fricative he might be having a hard time hearing it so I emphasized the H sound...and felt entirely retarded doing so.
"Ohhhh....Hazaa" he finally said, "That's not a real word" he continued looking annoyed at his own inability to pronounce the useless word.

And then he walked away.