Greg, Linds, Avery, and Bridger

And now a Special Hallmark Presentation....


Just Kidding.

Her name was Polly. I think. She was about 5'9 and 190 lbs with short brown hair and a VERY LOUD voice. I met her a couple of years ago at a Singles Ward FHE (note: Singles' Wards hold FHE in a futile attempt to recreate the family unit for those without family members in the vicinity...it is also an excuse for Bishops to toy with their members and try to pair young singles off in an effort to obey the commandment of replenishing the earth...I'm also pretty sure that the Bishops in Utah hold a contest to see whom can have the most weddings of ward members in a Semester...I think they win a mini van or something)

Anyway, I first noticed Polly standing off in the corner of the Bishop's home (where we were holding FHE) talking to Tricia (another girl in our ward). Not knowing who she was I asked Alicia my roommate and a counselor in the RSP if she knew who the new chick was. Alicia gives me this pained look and said,
"Yeah. Her name's Polly..I gave her a ride to FHE tonight."
"Oh so she lives with Tricia and those girls huh?"
"No she's just staying there for a week until she moves back to California for the summer."
"OOOOOH. So she's just a squatter...she's not actually in the ward."
"No."

After having established that I didn't have to actually talk to her (cause she was loud and I didn't want to have to get involved and make an emotional commitment to a loud close talker) I went about my business and talked to the Bishop about sending flowers to a girl in our ward whose father had passed away a couple of days ago.

After an hour of useless small talk Alicia and I decided we were bored and had had enough of pointless conversation so it was time to go home. She looked at me and said,
"Let me go get those girls and see if they still want to ride home with me."
They did. I figured this wouldn't be all that bad because most people realize that in compact environments the level and pitch of your voice can be lowered dramatically and people will still be able to hear you completely.
Polly had apparently never been informed of this modern monday miracle and so her volume of conversation did not lower one bit.
So while driving home in Alicia's Neon I politely asked Polly when she was getting married...she was practically wearing a skating rink on her finger...and she informed me that it was fake and she didn't want to talk to any boys that night so it had been an attempt to thwart any singles advances. A futile attempt she informed us because Caleb had still talked to her.

Now I must interject on Caleb's behalf. Caleb just moved into the ward....he's new..from Idaho...and has a cute little girlfriend. Earlier that evening both Alicia and I had commented (ok thats a nice way of saying mocked) on the fact that Polly was openly flirting with a guy who was already taken and obviously not really interested in what she was saying to him...that or he had lost all hearing and was merely nodding, eyes blank and lifeless out of shere politeness.

So while she yelled on and on about how much Caleb must like her, Alicia and I muttered things in spanish about how crazy she was....because they didn't understand spanish and I now know enough to mock and deride.


At the end of her sound barrier breaking monologue she did admit to having a boyfriend but he lived in California and that was the reason she was going there for the summer. Alicia then interjected and said,
"I thought you told me you didn't have a boyfriend."
Polly laughed and screamed,
"I also told you that I was an illegal immigrant from Mexico"

Alicia and I just kind of looked at each other figuring this girl was more than likely a pathalogical liar.

We pulled up to a stoplight at which point this Polly chick began catcalling at the guy in the car next to us...a wise choice on her part because as we all know 16 year old Pizza delivery boys are in high demand. I shrunk down in my seat and Alicia seethed in the seat next to me.

We then mocked her for flirting with a deacon. And told her that her Cali boyfriend would be jealous.

As we were finally pulling up to Polly and Tricia's house....Polly looked over at Alicia and asked if she was doing anything on Friday...Alicia just looked at her and said "Friday night?" and Polly said "No more like 7 am Friday morning...I need a ride to the airport." I'm pretty sure Alicia's eyebrows flew off her head and are now in Nebraska. She told Polly that she was sorry but she couldn't give her a ride because she had to be at work every morning at 8 am. Polly screeched "Thats too bad...cause you're like the only person I know with a car"
Alicia said, "Yeah....sorry."

Which she wasn't.

And that was the end of Polly.

Note: I could have inserted many "Polly wanna a cracker" comments but controlled myself believing that this would have been mildly funny but also highly corny.